Why do I blog?

This winter I set the goal of doing something creative every day. Because of energy constraints and my desire to do things for my family like help out with the housework and take care of my kids, I've had to modify that goal. But I'm still trying to do something creative a few times a week, because it helps me to keep fighting through my health problems. Setting constructive goals for myself makes my life seem a little less pathetic.

That's all well and good, but it doesn't explain why I don't just create for myself and keep it to myself. Why do I put my creations up on the internet for all to see? I don't think it's egotism or exhibitionism. Those are excellent reasons to start a blog; I just don't think they're my reasons. I think I post my creations on this page because I honestly feel like this page is the only thing I have left to offer the world. There's a kind of desperation at work here; I hope you don't mind.

Thanks for listening.

Call for feedback

All right, readers (all five of you), I have some heavy stuff to throw out here in the near future. It might be a bit of a downer, and I'm sorry about that. But look on the bright side - it's me writing, and I can never be too depressing for too long. It just doesn't seem to be in my nature. So take heart; either we'll get through this together, or you'll go find something else to read. Either way, the world will go on (I hope - I'm suddenly really grateful the fate of the world doesn't hang on my blogging!)

There's a lot I need to say, so there will be a lot of writing involved. What I want to know from you is, should I put it all out there in one fell blog post, or should I try to put my thoughts into little bundles and post them a bit at a time? I can see advantages and disadvantages to each approach. The "one fell post" approach would allow me write about some things I really don't want to write about and move on as quickly as possible, but it would also be a lot to read all at once. The "small bundle" approach might be easier for a reader to process, but it also might be harder for a reader to see the ultimate point - where I'm going with all of this. I might lose them in the process.

What do you think?

Writing and focusing on the positive

I've been trying to participate in the Google+ hashtag movement #Saturdayscenes, in which writers post a scene (usually from a work in progress or a work they're trying to generate an interest in) and people have the opportunity to read them. I'm very excited about participating in this, but because of my lack of stamina it doesn't look like I'm going to have a scene ready every week. For me it might be every other week. In the interest of maintaining a positive attitude, though, I've decided to share what I did accomplish this week!

• Decided that my protagonist, Ariana, has a hammock in her lab, and the image of her lounging on it is quite striking (I'm so envious!)
• Drafted a very rough explanation of how a centrifuge works, as discussed by Ariana and her husband Dorian
• Attempted to predict where a new fraction containing nanomachines would show up in a centrifuged sample of blood
• Reviewed the limits of the features that can be resolved with light microscopy
• Looked up a history virology on Wikipedia
• Looked up tests for detecting the presence of proteins in a sample
• Decided that Dorian needs to have ∞% more bean bags launched at him

When I put it this way, I feel pretty good about myself and this story!

Cage on wheels

I was just reading this article which outlines what a liberating vehicle the bicycle was (I highly recommend it). That got me thinking about my story. I'm enjoying thinking about all the dark sides of technology in this world I'm creating, and it occurred to me that the fictional technology in my story could allow the invention of the bicycle to be bypassed, along with its liberating influences.

I haven't explicitly written about it here before, but the current state of technology in my story is based on substances that for now I'm going to call proteoids (I'm still trying to decide if that will be the final name for them, or if it will be something else). One of the applications of proteoids is the construction of highly efficient mechanical devices. Reading the bicycle article gave me an image of a vehicle that can translate the slightest movement of a person's body into motion, but instead of the rider masterfully straddling it like a bicycle, it surrounds the rider like a cage.

Oh, I wish I were better at drawing! The pictures in my head are so creepy!

Double-vision

I think I have finally overcome one of the major hurdles to my writing: dealing with two conflicting ways that I look at the world. On the one hand, my world is this profound, poetic, deeply beautiful (or grotesque, depending on the situation) place, and I'll begin writing from that point of view. On the other hand, I have a strong sense of the absurd and ridiculous in the world. That part of me looks at what the poetic part of me has written and laughs, and laughs, and laughs.

I thought for a while that this perspective would doom me as a writer because I wouldn't be able to commit to a style. My sense of the absurd makes fun of me every time I try to plunge wholeheartedly into a romantic tone, but my sense of the poetic doesn't have the heart to put everything under the figurative scalpel. It's like looking at the world through red and blue 3D glasses. Simultaneously, nothing and everything is sacred.

I've recently come to realize that this could be an asset rather than a handicap. I can write something that has heart and soul, but is also grounded. I'm excited to see what happens.

What makes blood special?

It has become a pet peeve of mine whenever someone tries to come up with a science-fictiony explanation for why vampires exist in a story. It almost always ends up sounding really lame to anyone who has the slightest idea what blood is made of and how metabolism works. And yet, I feel the need to provide a science-fictiony explanation for why my protagonist becomes a vampire after being infected with nanodevices.

The difficulty is that blood is a fascinating, complex tissue, but I can't think of a single thing about it that's unique. It's high in iron, but so is muscle and so are some vegetables. It's rich in protein, but so is every living thing! It's full of immune cells, but so are lymph nodes and bone marrow. It contains a lot of heme groups, but so do the cytochromes, which are found in mitochondria, which are found in EVERY SINGLE CELL IN OUR BODIES!

To make things even more complicated, I want it to be necessary to ingest the blood. I don't want my protagonist to gain the same benefits from a blood transfusion. That eliminates hormones and other signaling molecules that float around in the blood. This train of thought makes me think that something produced in the digestion of blood allows her to function (more than function, in fact - I see her being enhanced by the experience). 

I shall have to ponder this further.

Vampires and werewolves

As I thought about this story idea that's been incubating, it occurred to me that my protagonist might be turning into a vampire. Ok, fine, I've been rolling with the weird things that pop out of my brain for over thirty years now. I can work with this. Then I realized that werewolves might be showing up as well, and I was a little disappointed. C'mon, brain, you're more original than that!

That got me thinking, though: what is it about vampires and werewolves that so many creators put them together in stories? I think it's because they contrast each other so nicely. Vampires are monstrous because they aren't alive enough - cold, only able to experience the life force by stealing it from others. Werewolves are monstrous because in a way they're too alive - hot-blooded, primal, and visceral.

Cliche or no, I might just take this and play with it ...

So far in my steampunk/mystery/science fiction story

• Female protagonist with chronic fatigue syndrome and an interest in science (yes, she might end up having many things in common with me)
• A field of technology called "entropics"
• A pair of musicians with weird insights into the future

Ooh! The real-life musicians who inspired this part are electronic musicians. Maybe the characters in my story should be entropic musicians - people who have figured out how to use entropic technology to make music!

I think it's time to shit or get off the can; time to start writing!

Idea ball!

Two different story ideas I've been playing around with have suddenly collided. It all started when my husband made the comment that the only reason no one flirts with me lately is that I rarely leave the house. Then my dad chimed in and commented (jokingly - my dad is one of the least misogynistic people I know) that you just have to keep women barefoot, in the house, and give them Epstein-Barr virus (the original source of all this unpleasantness). That got me thinking about a mystery/science fiction story in which chronic fatigue syndrome is the result of an anti-feminist plot to keep women from pursuing anything outside the home. It makes sense, since women seem to be more susceptible. And since patriarchy isn't just about oppressing women, but about oppressing anyone who doesn't fit a very narrow definition of "man," it doesn't hurt my plot in the slightest that males are affected as well.

Then this New Year I got slightly inebriated and started thinking about how a steampunk world might approach technology, and how it might be different from what we see here and now. That was fun. Still needs some refining, but it was fun. I consider any day I get to talk or write about entropy to be a good day.

Then today I had an appointment with my doctor. He commented that not very long ago everyone would have told me there was nothing wrong with me. I added that if I were rich, I could have gotten a vacation to the seaside to "rebuild my constitution," and that started a quick, interesting conversation about how Excelsior Springs used to be a health resort. Thinking about illness in a more historical context made those two story ideas smash together in my head. Time to make this into a steampunk/mystery/science fiction story in which chronic fatigue syndrome (or whatever delicate, euphemistic name I decide to give it) is an anti-feminist plot!

And I'll be able to work on it for half an hour at a time ... maybe even a whole hour if I'm having a really good day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC75aU47GRk

My science fiction double standard

I've thought about this problem I've been having with my insecurities getting in the way of my writing science fiction, and I've realized that it's even more comical that I originally thought. At first I was just amused because insecurity is amusing; it's so unnecessary and counterproductive, but we all have it to some extent. The only way not to be crippled by it is to recognize it and laugh at it. Then I started thinking about Dune by Frank Herbert. When I was reading Dune I just accepted the fact that some quirk of Paul Atreides's genetic makeup combined with the drug spice gave him prescient abilities, and I moved on to enjoy the hell out of that book. On the other hand, if I were going to write that novel I would be trying to figure out what how Paul's body would take in the information of the universe needed to be prescient, what collection of biomolecules would process that information, and what role the spice would play in that process. And even if I figured out all those things, I would be bracing myself for some hole to present itself.

That's my initial approach, even though I don't expect that kind of detail from most of the things I read. Yay double standards!

Science and science fiction (and insecurity)

My original plan for today was to play around with some ideas I have for a novel, but I got stuck. I would like for it to have some science fiction/fantasy elements in it, but I suddenly realized that I know a lot of people who are very knowledgeable about science who might very well be reading this. I started worrying about them making fun of me, and I locked up (which makes no sense, because they're all really nice people - that's why I communicate with them).

Now that I think about it, my insecurity is also the reason I hesitated to apply for grad school. I worried that I wouldn't have what it took. This is actually why I made it my goal to post something every day. There's no way I can possibly perfect something in a day, forcing me to get over my insecurity and just throw a little of myself out there. I haven't quite worked myself up to throwing my crazy imaginings out there, so today I'm throwing my insecurity out there instead. Enjoy!